


youve been planning to remember this so nothing will be lost in the end

by scorpio (gradually)



Series: novembre, et d'autres choses qui me manquent [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, Other, its a sad one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 23:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13177680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gradually/pseuds/scorpio
Summary: on indefinite hiatus.i feel the glass against my cheek and i can't see you in the lighti break my heart around thisnick is called back to new york to testify in a case from when he worked in svu. rafael is sure the death threats will go away eventually. they don't.cw's provided in individual chapter notes





	youve been planning to remember this so nothing will be lost in the end

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone!! 
> 
> ive been working on this piece for a while now - i had to take a break for finals and then for some mental health stuff - but we're back to it! so far i literally only have one chapter written but im just excited to get it out there so im posting it right now fkjlsjfkljldsj. i literally have no idea how the legal system works but this is based off of the case in 13x21 and one of the individuals in that case (luca) trying to plead their sentence down. honestly blame rosehips b/c she made me emo. the second half is not beta'd and yes i know i shift verb tense like 987832 times. 
> 
> cw in this chapter for stalking and (past) abuse.

**** The one thing Nick likes about routine is that it’s tangible. It doesn’t seep through hands like sand and long days. Days where time drags on but still slows, still has deliberate seconds. He doesn’t have to call Maria and apologize anymore - not when he lives with her. Separate rooms, but she’s still there, after all this time. She still cares enough to live there - separate rooms. Somehow they were able to all find a place for Maria, her partner, himself, and Zara, and his leg got worse after an accident - he doesn't want to talk about it, thank you very much - and Zara appointed him stay-at-home dad. He’s on his way back from PT - routine - when he remembers its Tuesday - routine - and calls Rafael after dinner. Routine is tangible. You can write it down and it’s real and all those days in his notebook where he writes about their phone calls makes it so much more concrete that someone has chosen to love him regardless of all the mistakes he’s made.

 

As soon as one call another begins. Benson is taking one hundred words a minute, he has to slow her down, he knows she’s pacing around her apartment at this very moment. Rollins is audible in the background. Nick is glad she’s there for her. Olivia is able to slow down just enough to tell Nick he’s due back in New York for a retrial. 

 

-

 

Once again, Nick was on a plane to New York. It had become a normal occurrence, or as normal as it could be, living across the country from your partner and most of your friends. This time it wasn’t necessarily to be with Rafael - much to Maria’s teasing - but to testify in a case from his SVU days. 

 

He had mentioned to his therapist that it was weird he had already compartmentalized them as his SVU days, but he had. She asked him why that was weird and Nick had no reply. California had grown on him like vines on broken buildings, creeping into him in ways both new and old. The lack of snow in the middle of December was one of his favorite parts, the freedom of being able to go out just to throw the trash out in shorts and sandals on a good day. Nick had wanted Rafael to visit, but the now-DA could never find time in his schedule to carve out more than two random weekdays to spend with Nick. 

 

Nick’s waking days were his California days - were his now. His time was spent between physical therapy, cooking, emotional therapy, getting Zara to sleep on time, and more cooking. Maria, as kind and forgiving as ever, had decided to co-parent Zara with Nick and her partner. It had been a weird arrangement, in a good way, puzzle pieces that shouldn’t necessarily fit together but by virtue of their shape fit well anyway. Nick was happy to know Zara had not one, but three, family figures - broaching the topic of Rafael with her wasn’t something he had done yet. He got to see Gil when he wasn’t out brooding or being with his friends, and it was again, a weird but comfortable arrangement. 

 

The call to New York had been a bit abrupt, as Nicolas liked to plan out his trips at least a month in advance to find a babysitter for Zara. But Benson had called him, her voice quiet and hurried, telling him he  _ needed _ to get up here to testify, that the kid was trying to plead his case down, and Nick was the one who had to see all that blood. Nick had been there for Benson during Lewis and he knew that she would be there for him in this, as she had always been. He couldn’t believe sometimes that Benson was able to handle the whirlwind of a person he was, always questioning the squad and dramatic declarations and stubborn movements. Benson had seen through his façade as soon as they had finished their first case and Nick looked like he had not slept for one hundred years. Friendship built between them, the  _ I’ll risk my life _ kind, Benson always being able to calm the storm of Nick’s emotions where Nick would always be there for Olivia as an anchor who pretended to be emotionally distant but could grow to not be. Nick tried to nap on the plane over and all he could see was the blood, pooling onto his hands and destroying his good slacks forever. He wondered if Olivia ever slept like this. He wondered if Maria had. Nick Amaro was confused by and in awe of the power of the women he had wronged over and over again. 

 

-

 

Usually Rafael was the one who welcomed him back. This time it was Rollins, a sight for sore eyes, and past the point of trying to hide the fact that she was pregnant. She laughed behind her hand as she noticed Nick trying to hide the emotions rapidly flashing across his face. 

 

“Amaro, it’s been a while,” she laughed. “How was the trip?”

 

Rollins knew what he meant when he told her “Just those dreams again”.

 

“I’m glad you’re - we’re - getting help though, y’know?”

 

Amaro smiled. Amanda saw a glimpse of the tiredness in his eyes before it vanished, replaced with the kindness and eventual warmth for his ex-partner. “Yeah. Never thought I’d get a shrink, but it helps.”

 

They left in comfortable silence, Amanda holding onto Nick’s shoulder in a gesture of balance and tenderness. Nick tries not to show his limp, but the hours sitting in the same position wore on him and he leans too much on one leg, almost wishing he brought his cane.  In the cab, Amanda attempts to speak again, opening and closing her mouth slightly trying to name the words forming in her mind. Nick is patient, watching her trying to catch up on weeks, months, almost a year of distance. Sure he visits and sure they call, but explaining subtle moments requires nuance that a weary Amanda Rollins does not currently have. She settles for - 

 

“Nick, I’m pregnant.” 

 

Nick nods. “Congrats.” Congrats as if he didn’t already know from seeing her, congrats as if he knew it wasn’t his but he knew, in the back of his head, that someone else probably thought so, seen the anger and volatility that he and Amanda had held that boiled into one weird night of yelling and crying and ice cream and Nick sleeping over. Nick’s mind settles on this thought, the weird domesticity they carried between them, sometime between Maria and Rafael, never touching, never  _ wanting  _ to touch, but needing to know that someone else was there just in case.

 

Amanda laughs to cut the tension that set between them. She had a trick of doing that, of taking deep breaths now instead of escalating, of counting to ten before biting back. Parts of her still wanted to allow herself to be recklessly angry but she knew now it hurt more than it helped - and not just herself, but those around her. Rollins was tasked with the impossible of calming her inner fire, something no one had seen the full damage of. Not even at her lowest moments was she not trying to control her every moment. It was a task she didn’t know how much longer she could carry and had to work on a minute at a time, knowing otherwise the promise of a lifetime would make her burn it all to ashes. 

“Thanks. I was gonna plan a baby shower, y’know, invite your family, but this popped up.” This. This case. A part of Nick’s past he thought he was done with but crept back when he couldn’t fall asleep, alone in his room, hearing the rest of his house stir under bathroom lights and midnight snacks. This case, when Nick had the first encounter of many of calming someone down, ensuring it would be okay in the end, lying to them. This case of many that haunted him and the thoughts that boiled over when he remembered Rafael was dealing with the repercussions of it.

 

Nick had talked to Rafael about the death threats, not in detail, but enough to know. He had been assigned a security detail to himself and to his mother. Lucia’s job was taking a hit due to the increased police presence nearby, seeing as someone had been stalking her on her way home from work, and it was the only feasible way to at least make the stalker think twice about doing so. 

 

What Nick did not know about was the photos of Rafael. They began months ago, after Rafael had given out his business card on the court steps: pictures of him on his commute, jogging on the weekend, sent to him sporadically in an unmarked manila envelope, always to his office as opposed to his home. 

 

After Nick’s first visit to New York, they began to be primarily of them. Tender moments that should have remained tender were tarnished. Photos of them out together, nonchalantly holding hands, Nick standing close to Rafael in line waiting at a food truck, photos looking in on Rafael’s favorite diner where they shared a booth and a stack of pancakes. Carmen tried to arrive earlier than usual to see who left them, but the photos then became more sporadic, almost stopping. Yet they never did stop, and Rafael was worried they would only get worse. He wasn’t too sure exactly why he didn’t tell Nick. It was an overlapping and mixing fear of Nick no longer wanting to be affectionate with him and Nick being upset to the point he would want Rafael to move places or visit him in California instead, away from a plethora of potential enemies. Rafael always shredded the images no matter how much he wished he could keep them and have that tender proof of love.

 

-

 

Nick and Amanda return to the squad room as the sun begins to set. It’s one of those days where it seems like it’s a perfectly reasonable time for the sun to set, watching its descent as a family is gathered around a dinner table or a single child is doing homework in the living room. Fin, Carisi, and Dodds welcome them.

 

Dodds is in his own mind, it seems, emotions intense and gestures direct as always, just like his father. Carisi is leaning against his desk talking to Fin. Seeing how animated they are, Amanda can only guess it's about video games and tells Nick such. Nick tries to imagine the air wasn’t knocked out of his body seeing this mesh of new and old all in this confined space he had spent so much time in, but Carisi noticed, offered him a pastry from a box of bad-but-good-enough grocery store donuts. Nick takes a plain one. Rollins grabs a glazed one with little pink sprinkles. Nick thinks  _ omen _ and then thinks  _ wrong _ as Carisi grabs a second donut, wrapping it in a napkin and setting it on his desk.

 

“Don’t want the selection to get picked over before I get to have another,” he says more to the air than to anyone, trying to keep the upbeat mood in place. Olivia steps out of her office to also grab a donut, quietly thanking Carisi for swinging by and grabbing some snacks for everyone.

 

“When you said Amaro would be coming back, I thought it would be nice to welcome him with food,” Carisi smiles. The Carisi hospitality, the warmth, it was all still there. So was a single silver band on his left hand. Nick can’t see Sonny Carisi of all people having someone in his life that would warrant what looks like a promise ring, but here he was. Knowing Sonny it was some promise “to stay abstinent until the consummation of marriage” or some bullshit. 

 

Nick had a promise ring, once, and his father took it from him, smashed it with a hammer in front of him, made him promise to never again touch a man like that. Nick was fifteen. He dated four girls in the span of two years after that, trying to prove something, leaving a path of horrible decisions in his wake. He doesn’t want to think about it. 

 

His phone buzzes and he takes the opportunity to walk off, still holding his suitcase and dragging it behind him as he tries to find a quiet corner of the squad room.

 

- _ Rafi. Sorry I didn’t call. I just got here. _

_ -Esta bien, Amanda texted me. I’ll be over in... 15 minutes, are you ok hanging tight?  _

_ -Of course. Carisi got everyone donuts, do you want me to save you one? _

_ -Chocolate, if you can.  _

_ -Ok. I’ll see you soon.            Te quiero. _

_ -Te quiero. Bye. _

 

Amanda smirks as she sees the blush creeping up Nick’s face at the short confession. He knows speaking Spanish won’t hide his conversation from anyone but maybe Fin, but it’s still easier. It’s not as strong as saying  _ I love you _ but it still means a lot to both men. For now,  _ I love yous _ are still tucked into whispers when it’s just them hidden under the covers. Amaro grabs a chocolate donut from the box and wraps it in some napkins, drifts on the edges of end-of-the-day conversations others are having. He needs trial prep after all this time, but Rafael is the one taking the case this time, so it shouldn’t be difficult. His disclosure forms are tucked into the case files. He wonders if Buchanan has seen them, drifted over his name, tried to get Nick off the case, given Rafael a glare when he noticed. Nick shakes the thoughts out of his head as Rafael entered, followed by his security detail, who stops at the entrance to the squad room.

 

“Counsellor,” Carisi nods, and Rafael nods back. “Still okay with me shadowing the case?” 

 

“Yes, Carisi,” he sighs, and Nick will have to ask him later what all this shadowing is about; because the last time he saw Carisi the guy was trying to grow back his horrendous mustache and had just announced his enrollment and Fordham. The comment about Carisi continuing his all-borough tour - which he had caught at the bar the week after the end of the case - still made him laugh as it sat in the back of his head. 

 

Nick and Rafael’s departure is both parts sweet and awkward. Nick waves at Carisi and Rollins, who wave back and laugh, and then at Dodds, who doesn’t catch it, deep in a phone call. Rafael can feel Rollins and Carisi conspire behind his back as he takes Nick’s suitcase from him and places his hand on the small of Nick's back. They settle on Italian - takeout, because Nick was having a bad leg day - for dinner. On their way out, they bump into someone asking for Sonny and looking equal parts put together and completely frazzled. Nick can only point towards the squad room before putting two and two together. 

 

-

 

Dinner is silent. Amaro wonders if it’s because that's how they were both raised, to never speak at the dinner table, or if Rafael’s tired, or if Nick’s jetlagged, or if the security detail outside can hear them talk. He knows the final option isn’t possible since Rafael got a white noise machine that hums almost happily. Well, as happy as a white noise machine can be. Rafael is poking at the last of his ravioli before giving up and throwing the rest away, putting the plate in the dishwasher for later. He walks silently to the restroom and Nick follows with his gaze and then with his body. 

 

Nick hadn’t said a word since they left the office and his voice creaks. “Rafi?”

 

Rafael replies “I’m ok” quietly, almost incomprehensible behind the bathroom door. “Tired.”

 

“That’s okay babe.” Nicolas hears the water run and decides to take a look around, throw his things in the dresser drawer Rafael reserves for when he visits. The windows are all frosted, the outside world a dark mosaic against the green bedding and soft lighting of Rafael’s room. The curtains are new too - they’re pitch black and look almost leaden. Nick doesn’t want to ask, doesn’t want to hear that answer. No wonder Rafael is so tired. He wants to ask him to leave with him, to at least visit California, to feel the sun and clouds paint his skin. He knows it’s impossible with Rafael’s schedule. A glance at the clock provides Nick with the assurance that it's socially acceptable to put on pajamas, and Rafael returns to their room as Nick is taking off his shirt. 

 

“Long day,” he says, and walks over to hug Nick, leaning on him. Rafael’s hands are cold on his partner’s bare back, but Nick doesn’t complain, only holds him closer. Rafael almost wants to cry but stops himself to kiss Nick instead. He doesn’t mind that there are no words. Sometimes it’s like that, and Nick understands, when things get distant and quiet and his mind drifts to all the bad decisions he’s made and how much he hates them, and time passes like water. Nick can only guess that Rafael is there too, trying to ground himself with the angles of Nicolas’ body, and he’s okay with the quiet, with the gentle hum of the white noise machine and the occasional honk outside.

  
“I took care of the dishes, by the way,” he mumbles between kisses, a promise that the rest of the night is theirs. He leads Nicolas to their bed, presses him against the mattress, and does nothing but kiss him tenderly. A hand runs occasionally through his hair and Nick’s hands settle on Rafael’s hips. Rafael falls asleep in his briefs. The feeling of overwhelming warmth and comfort that Nick provides laying next to him is enough to deter him from walking the two steps to put on pajamas. A crow coos outside as he falls asleep. Rafael thinks  _ omen _ and then thinks  _ wrong  _ and then thinks  _ hopefully _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> thx for reading!! honestly i have no idea when ill update but itll hopefully be by the end of january if all goes well :~) yell at me on twitter dot com @amaro_txt !


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